I'm back! With Brittany Murphy thinspo ;)

Okay, forgive me because I know it has been a long time but I'm back! I ran into depression for a while... It was really more of a head-on collision that left me emotionally numb. I lost the will to care about my appearance but now that I do, I'm so ashamed of what I have become. I'm not overweight or anything but I still hate myself just like I did before. It's like I'm forever in this cycle where I miss the way that I used to look because I was thinner than I am now and wonder why I can't be that way at this moment.

 Girls are really unlucky, aren't we? I mean, most men can get on with life without a care in the world. It takes them 5 minutes and just one outfit change to get ready before they leave the house and once they're out, that's it! No more care given to what they look like. Except for maybe the little check-out-my-sexy-hair thing they tend to do in shop windows and anything else that will offer a reflection. But not us girls, ohhhhh nooooo... It takes us multiple outfit changes, hair disasters, make-up malfunctions and arguments with ourselves for us to even think of letting the wonderful people on this earth see us! But it doesn't stop there, ohhhhh noooo, we also look at ourselves in every reflection available because of paranoia and insecurities.

I don't know about you people but this is my emotional cycle in a nutshell...

1. Hey look, you're fat and ugly. Why be both when you could just be ugly? :D
2. You should probably stop eating for a while and exercise until you want to die.
3. Hey look, you're weak because you ate food. 
4. FEEL THE GUILT OF ONE THOUSAND MURDERS.
5. Carry on eating lardo, it'll be easier to purge it if there's more food in your stomach.
6. Purge all the food fatty, the guilt will leave too. 
7. Well done, you've made no progress and you're still fat and ugly (Back to number 1)

I don't know about everyone else but I tend to find motivation in making myself feel worthless. I tend to link what happens to me in life (e.g. my parents hating me) to me being fat and ugly. For example, my own parents can't love me because I'm disgusting so how can I expect anyone else to? They don't give unconditional love to the ugly ones, all the people that say they like me must have been lying. I do this because it motivates me to burn those extra calories and resist that slice of cake but it has made me so paranoid.

I have been living with my Aunt for a while now and she's obsessed with weight loss. She's one of those people that says "I'll do anything to lose weight" but what she really means is "I'll do anything to lose weight...Except diet and exercise". Anyway, she order take away and I had some noodles and a glass of soda because I knew it'd be easier for me to purge later on and I told her that I didn't want more because I didn't feel very well. Once I had finished my food she insisted that I eat more, she kept telling me that I hadn't eaten enough and it wasn't because I literally hadn't, it was because she wanted me to gain as much as she had from eating a take away. That woman will be my downfall.

Anyway here's the thinspo I promised!

I may have gotten a little carried, I love her! R.I.P, gone too soon. Such a beautiful woman <3

Thinspo, Complaints & Ambitions

Okay so you guys who read this blog will already know that I've recently been inflicting you all with my life story and here is another chapter! Wow, aren't you guys lucky?! I actually wonder is people check this regularly... Probably not but a girl can dream right? Well actually, if I'm 'helping' you guys gain an eating disorder or something I am truly, truly sorry. Then again, you're the silly ones looking for one! (well, a minority of you)

So, Christmas has been and gone... I hate Christmas. The worst freaking time of the year. I mean don't get me wrong, I'm Catholic and I'm all for Jesus (Woohoo, go Jesus) but who ever thought "Let us all eat food under the watchful eyes of our families and eat some more and while we're at it, eat a whole lot more" -- Didn't they ever stop to think that maybe we're eating far too much here?? Boooo... Or Bah Humbug should I say? I'm not going to lie, it had me purging up to 3 times a day for, I don't know... 2, maybe 3 weeks? Sorrrrr-ie for not having the Christmas spirit! Grrr.

So yeah, the whole point of this blog today is to tell you that I'M PREGNANT.... Just kidding! I'm actually just letting you know that I've gained weight and I'm a failure. I got so ill from purging too much that I had to stop in order to get better. The pain was unbearable and I regret to say that gaining was a small price to pay for recovering from whatever illness I had. But now I know that I need to get back on track. Not because I gained a couple of pounds but because my mental health is suffering for it. I cry constantly about weight gain and am getting paranoid about my boyfriend cheating on me because of MY insecurities, I take it out on him and he's done nothing wrong.

TO TOP IT ALL OFF... We (My boyfriend and I) have been invited to this party with all of his friends from his previous course and it just so happens that they're mostly girls. Yay. Another reason for me to be paranoid. I don't want to go because all those girls are prettier/thinner than me and I wouldn't be able to sit there and watch him pay attention to them all. I can picture it now; my lovely, wonderful boyfriend having his fugly girlfriend in a room with all these gorgeous women thinking "Why am I still with this bitch?!". We both know they all 'like' him and think he's hot and I know for a fact one or two of them were on the 'list' we discussed. You guys know the list... The it-we-weren't-together-I-would-totally-shag-her list. (excuse me for the language, I'm thoroughly P.O'd).

So I have 2 weeks to lose as much weight as possible. I will restrict and purge. This isn't a healthy way to lose weight but it's the only way I know. Besides, I can't let anyone know I want to lose weight because they all think I'm crazy anyway, I wouldn't want to be forced back to my families version of 'recovery'. There is nothing wrong with me.
Anyone need help, it's always available from me at Max_Forever@live.co.uk
Everything you say to me WILL stay in confidence, I promise you that now. Good luck guys, stay beautiful.


Here's some thinspo. Happy days.

A little more about me & Thinspo

Hello all, if you don't really care about my pointless stories then skip on down to some thinspo.
So hey, I have an undiagnosed eating disorder which I have had for quite a while. It was never something I looked to gain like some girls around the world do, it just happened to me. When I was younger I started to notice how different I was from everyone else, lets face it I was a chubby child, and I started to wonder why that was. It left me feeling alone and I was really shy and even more awkward. I never knew what to do with all this self-loathing so I started self harming. Worst. Idea. Ever. If you can help it, don't try it, your parents WILL find out and you WILL forever be known as the unstable freak of the family. It's not fun.

Anyway, so when they found out, I stopped for a while. I got on about a year just fine with my life, things seemed to be getting better for me because I had grown out of the 'puppy fat' a little but I still didn't feel like all of the other girls. When my family talked about the way I used to be they'd refer to it as my 'Chubby days' which really upsets me even now but I never tell them that. I didn't see my body change the way they did because I was still fat. I just started wearing clothes that would cover it all so no one would think of me as the disappointment that I actually am.

Feeling fat and disgusting I decided to start restricting my intake, my cousin did it and it seemed to work for her... I just saw it as a secret diet that I could be on and one day I would wake up and look beautiful. It worked but I couldn't keep on track... I would lose weight and it would keep coming back to me... The cycle repeated itself for a year or so and I was more depressed that ever. I even broke down in front of my boyfriend and cried for hours because I was so unhappy, I never told him exactly why I was so upset I just kept saying "I'm ugly, I just wish I was beautiful" and of course he responded in telling me that it wasn't true but I never believed him. The next day I thought back to what in my life had helped me to lose weight in the past and I remembered that I had been ill for like 5 days, I think, and threw up everything I had eaten and couldn't eat again... I slept through days at a time.

AND that's where Mia (bulimia) came in. Every time I went clothes shopping someone would say "why don't you get this? It would look perfect on you because your slim". I hated that. People assuming that you'll look good in an item of clothing because they think they know your body better than you. I'm not a Barbie doll, I have a million flaws (By the way, did you know that if Barbie was built to scale of a human she wouldn't be able to stand up because her feet are too small!? My friends, your minds have just been blown). Anycow, I started binging because I just felt there was no hope for me and I would never be the way people thought I was. But even then the guilt of eating so much and getting fatter would get the better of me so I purged. I started to love having control over my own body and losing weight because I could pretty much choose what I digested.

So that's me up to now, I binge and then I purge. My throat seems to always hurt, I have just enough energy to make it through the day, I still hate my body/life, I'm still fat, my head feels like it's going to explode when I puke and I probably won't ever recover from this. But at least I've lost 17lbs in 5 weeks. This is just a basic overview of things, I couldn't tell you the weird things that go on inside my head because in all honesty, I can barely make sense of it myself.

I swear to God (Catholic here) this is no way to live. An eating disorder is no way to lose weight, it is not a diet. It's also not something you can just pick up because you want to and you can sit there thinking that this will make everything better but I swear to you, it doesn't. Your life will revolve around food. You will lose friends and you will start to hate your family for trying to help you because you honestly think that there's nothing wrong with you. I'm not encouraging you to try and pick up an eating disorder because they really do ruin your life but if that's what you want to do then go ahead, you'll just end up hating yourself more. I can't stop the way I think and this blog really isn't to help people think horribly about food, it's a way that I kill time and distract myself so I don't eat piles and piles of food and spend the majority of my day throwing up. It's my illness and I'm just trying to deal with it in any way that stops me going completely insane.

If you want to tell me your story email me: Max_forever@live.co.uk
I can publish it on here or if you just need someone to talk to I don't bite :) Thanks for reading guys!

America's Next Top Model cycle 13 winner Nicole Fox.