So hey, I have an undiagnosed eating disorder which I have had for quite a while. It was never something I looked to gain like some girls around the world do, it just happened to me. When I was younger I started to notice how different I was from everyone else, lets face it I was a chubby child, and I started to wonder why that was. It left me feeling alone and I was really shy and even more awkward. I never knew what to do with all this self-loathing so I started self harming. Worst. Idea. Ever. If you can help it, don't try it, your parents WILL find out and you WILL forever be known as the unstable freak of the family. It's not fun.
Anyway, so when they found out, I stopped for a while. I got on about a year just fine with my life, things seemed to be getting better for me because I had grown out of the 'puppy fat' a little but I still didn't feel like all of the other girls. When my family talked about the way I used to be they'd refer to it as my 'Chubby days' which really upsets me even now but I never tell them that. I didn't see my body change the way they did because I was still fat. I just started wearing clothes that would cover it all so no one would think of me as the disappointment that I actually am.
Feeling fat and disgusting I decided to start restricting my intake, my cousin did it and it seemed to work for her... I just saw it as a secret diet that I could be on and one day I would wake up and look beautiful. It worked but I couldn't keep on track... I would lose weight and it would keep coming back to me... The cycle repeated itself for a year or so and I was more depressed that ever. I even broke down in front of my boyfriend and cried for hours because I was so unhappy, I never told him exactly why I was so upset I just kept saying "I'm ugly, I just wish I was beautiful" and of course he responded in telling me that it wasn't true but I never believed him. The next day I thought back to what in my life had helped me to lose weight in the past and I remembered that I had been ill for like 5 days, I think, and threw up everything I had eaten and couldn't eat again... I slept through days at a time.
AND that's where Mia (bulimia) came in. Every time I went clothes shopping someone would say "why don't you get this? It would look perfect on you because your slim". I hated that. People assuming that you'll look good in an item of clothing because they think they know your body better than you. I'm not a Barbie doll, I have a million flaws (By the way, did you know that if Barbie was built to scale of a human she wouldn't be able to stand up because her feet are too small!? My friends, your minds have just been blown). Anycow, I started binging because I just felt there was no hope for me and I would never be the way people thought I was. But even then the guilt of eating so much and getting fatter would get the better of me so I purged. I started to love having control over my own body and losing weight because I could pretty much choose what I digested.
So that's me up to now, I binge and then I purge. My throat seems to always hurt, I have just enough energy to make it through the day, I still hate my body/life, I'm still fat, my head feels like it's going to explode when I puke and I probably won't ever recover from this. But at least I've lost 17lbs in 5 weeks. This is just a basic overview of things, I couldn't tell you the weird things that go on inside my head because in all honesty, I can barely make sense of it myself.
I swear to God (Catholic here) this is no way to live. An eating disorder is no way to lose weight, it is not a diet. It's also not something you can just pick up because you want to and you can sit there thinking that this will make everything better but I swear to you, it doesn't. Your life will revolve around food. You will lose friends and you will start to hate your family for trying to help you because you honestly think that there's nothing wrong with you. I'm not encouraging you to try and pick up an eating disorder because they really do ruin your life but if that's what you want to do then go ahead, you'll just end up hating yourself more. I can't stop the way I think and this blog really isn't to help people think horribly about food, it's a way that I kill time and distract myself so I don't eat piles and piles of food and spend the majority of my day throwing up. It's my illness and I'm just trying to deal with it in any way that stops me going completely insane.
If you want to tell me your story email me: Max_forever@live.co.uk
I can publish it on here or if you just need someone to talk to I don't bite :) Thanks for reading guys!
America's Next Top Model cycle 13 winner Nicole Fox.
